kings ski club racing

Western League
Although the threat of the firemen's strike was filling the nation with fear, round 2 of the western league didn't fail to deliver the usual abundance of shiny helmets, sliding down poles and squirting foam (bel nor). In typical western tradition everyone was late, nobody had any money and UWE made their first showing since the war.

Kate, the UWE captain, making a stand against the name "Bristol Poly", further delayed the competition. Officials John, Duncan and Andre (Andre having returned safely from 3 months imprisonment by Gangster Rappers in LA) called an emergency meeting and agreed "Bristol Poly" was slightly unfair - and to avoid embarrassment we would refer to them as… "Poly".

Fancy dress efforts were not up to the usual high standards, Mattock was dressed as GI Jane, still nobody has any idea what Cardiff came as - suggestions included Noel Edmonds and Lord of the Rings, but the title was taken by those rootin' tootin' cowboys and girls from Exeter. Please note this was in no way influenced by Sian's excessive leaning forward passing the finishing line in a skimpy, low-cut waistcoat, neither did the sticking out of her arse at the top of the slope in some very tight jeans have anything to do with the judge's decision!

The very moist surfaces meant going down was quicker than ever. Once the racers took a firm grip on their poles they slipped through the 'red-gates' with great ease and some even came through the finish somewhat more prematurely than they had expected.

Walkie-talkie interference was at a premium; as we sat in wait for some stripping "potential lesbians" the best thing we were offered was Lucy from Bristol 3 screaming out "I will munch it with one big bite". Dirty girl!!

The unofficial big air competition on the second slope was won by Clive from Plymouth with an incredible jump of 1.9… centimetres.

The racing saw the first meeting of the opposing Bristols since 1812 and those hilarious old songs 'Clap your hands if you're at a Poly' and 'Shout out loud if you failed your A-levels'.

In the girlie racing, the disappointing non-appearance of Emily Parken meant the Bristols were creamed into 2nd place. Not by those Devon maids of Exeter who finished 3rd but by Gemma's sister's impressive team of Cardiff chicks who comfortably took the number one spot.

The ever-impressive Plymouth boarders fought out an exciting (not really) boarders final with the number twos taking the title. UWE finished 3rd which was a fine effort considering none of them had even tried boarding before. The Swansea inmates finished 4th, with Cardiff (probably because of the lack of boarding superstar Gemma's sister) taking the wooden spoon.

As for the proper racing Exeter 1 and 2 took 5th and 6th respectively. Cardiff 1 took 3rd beating the slightly sub-standard Plymouth 1. This just left us with one of the most exciting finals in living memory.
With the likes of Matt Dors, Christophe, Penfold and Melissa Hedley-Lamar-Lewis having already gone down it was neck and neck with one man waiting at the top of each course.

In the blue corner… the people's champion… weighing in at 180 pounds… Big… Gay… Allllllllllllll!!! And in the red corner… the reigning heavyweight champion of the world, down to his fighting weight of 325 pounds… Jonny-Boy Bainbriiiiiiiiiiidge.

Big Gay took an early lead, Jonny-Boy fought back as hard as he could, but it was as if something had given Big Gay special powers, he seemed possessed… and as the flag dropped on the blue course a new champion was born, Big Gay had proved himself as a serious contender for the 2006 Olympics in Milton Keynes.

After the prize giving it was off to Bristol to make our Western League guest list appearance at the Lizard Lounge. As ever the guest list thing didn't live up to expectations and we were stuck outside in sub-zero temperatures until Exeter's Sian had a few whispered words with the bouncer and in we went. How do girls do that? Hmmm…

North East League
Sunderland on a Saturday's winter night, well it's traditional to rain on the way up but arrival at the top was met with the also now traditional dry patch, and the return of the complimentary Daily Telegraph Newspapers.

Weather however wasn't the only thing to greet us, many men had their legs out in their best bras and flowered dresses. Some costumes suited so well though you were unsure if the individual had got changed yet or not.

Sunderland were determined to regain last year's crown as the best University team in the North West but due to some late unavailability's of team members arrived with some very dedicated rookies. However they were not alone - Northumbria were close behind with a very depleted team, in fact many familiar faces were missing crying off with alleged injury or maybe the hangover was still there from BUDS?

Everyone was taken by surprise when the racing started promptly, much to the appreciation of Cheggers (Sheff Uni) who was desperate to get back guaranteed sex. Luckily for him it was a low turnout of 15 mixed teams, 5 ladies and 4 boarders.

Round 1 racing did not produce many surprising in results except for the repeated false starts by Liz Roche (Again Sheff Uni but alleged not the be Cheggers "mate")

However on the fancy dress front Round 1 did produce some interest. Max arrived and raced in his wedding dress and Liz finding herself with a nosebleed used her resources, grabbed a blokes tit and removed the stuffing. Unfortunately we don't have any information saying whether the bloke enjoyed the breast action, we'll leave that to your imagination.

Round 2 proceeded without any real special moments though it should be noted that the standard of the skiing was so high I'd be worried about making any of the teams these days.

Progressing into the finals the women's was sorted out within the leagues, Northumbria taking the honours. Boarding required a fiercely contended showdown between Northumbria & Hull, again the honours going to Northumbria.

As far as the mixed goes Northumbria 2 had surpassed themselves finishing higher than their firsts but the top 5 were as expected: Sheffield, Durham, Newcastle, Sunderland & the winners Hallam.

The end of the skiing was not the end of the fun however, we were off to a Sunderland Union bar for prize giving, a new venue for us but a very suitable place too. The demise of the old Double Maxim (see last year's reports) had been met with much sadness, The Board Inn has served us very well but is this the new venue for future races? Unfortunately Hull & Durham will never know as they didn't even turn up!
All was rounded off with the presentation of the Cross Dressing Prize - a crate of beer.

Newcastle were winners on this front with good costumes and intelligence (2 girls with white crosses on their clothes was just too clever, must be a red brick establishment)

The bonus prize was to name next round's fancy dress theme where at the second attempt Jo announced it's Bling Bling.

See you on 1st December in Sheffield where rookie NE Race Officials Kate is to be unveiled and the rumour is curry after the race for everyone. But remember it's on a Sunday and you need to be there by 5:15

Midlands League
12 mixed teams, 6 ladies teams and 6 boarding teams gathered in the pouring rain for Round 2. A lovely puddle at the bottom of the slope gave some the opportunity to practice their water-skiing (which a few tried and failed getting very wet (if that was possible!)).

There were lots of moans about the course being tough... yet only a few DSQs and falls (and only 3 broken poles) shows the standard of skiing was good.

Warwick managed to claim all 3 cauliflowers for being losers of the mixed, ladies and boarders racing. Their attempt to bribe the officials with 50p scones from the bar before racing started didn't work very well.....

The ladies racing had a bit of de ja vous from Round 1.... Luffbra 1 retaining the lead, followed by Nottingham 1 and somehow Brum 1 managed to keep 3rd position (beating De Mont even though one of the Brum girlies lost her ski on the way down!). In last position was Warwick... whose strategy for Round 2 was evidently questionable from the start by fielding a very dubious lady in their team (nice try with the blonde wig!).

The mixed racing was a very good standard. Nottingham 1 gained their form and beat the helmeted Notty Trent 1 in the final. Luffbra 1 coming only 6th.... what will the Milky Bar kid say?
Warwick 2 decided to change race tactics, and send a snowboarder who had never skied before down on skis, and a skier who was not a boarder down on a snowboard... needless to say, they lost!!

The boarding competition provided some interesting results. Keele racing only 3 racers in some races (allegedly).... what cheats!?! Warwick decided to make another great race non-tactical move of each racer boarding half the course and running half the course.... the running half was quicker!

The evening finished with drinking races in the bar..... drinking fake Belnor for the grand prize of fake Belnor!

Judged by the bar staff, Brum managed to claim the last 3 bottles of Belnor by outsinging the self confessed Warwick W*nkers!!!

The next round will be at Swadlincote on 30th November. There will be prizes for the team that turns up in the best fancy dress costumes and theme .......... so pull out all those dodgy wigs and wild clothes.... and get ready to race with a finale at the bar.......bring on the fake Belnor!

London & Southern League
A cold, but thankfully not wet evening, got off to a horrible start. The bar had several childrens parties in it, and they weren't showing the rugby internationals. So the officials settled in for a few beers, a couple of coffee's and waited for students to turn up.

And who says things get easier the more rounds we have - Greenwich turned up, only to discover later that we now have 4 boarders to a team, Cambridge got there just before 6pm, after the start list had been written out, and wondered why we almost didn't let the race, and others generally moaned about nothing. At least England had beaten the bloody Aussies in the rugby though.

And so onto the first round of races - Cambridge complained about the helmets, somehow forgetting they had to wear them at the previous round, and thought we could do something about it! But we mustn't forget that they are the cream of intellectuals. In fact they are so intelligent that when they get asked "are you ready on blue?" and they managed to answer incorrectly and demand the race to be held once it has been started! I'm sorry guys - if you say YES, the race starts!

After the first round, it became obvious that The Gauls (Asterixs, Obelisks, Getafix, and co (complete with Roman centurian to beat up) were going to win the fancy dress, and they were going to lose the boarding race. Apart from that there wasn't much excitement in the first round - several people decided to wipe out Nick on the finish line, miss the last gate, forget to start when flags dropped and other such boring nonsense.

In fact the racing was run so quickly, but the officials (desperate to get out of the cold, and off to dinner parties, b'day parties etc) that we managed to whip through the second round as well before arriving at the finals.

In the ladies, Kent managed to beat Cambridge, but only thanks to a DSQ. Kent also managed to beat Ports 2 in the Boarders, but again only due to the final Ports boarder falling. And finally in the mixed, Kent managed to hold of Soton for the clean sweep. Perhaps the slopes confiscation of the four funnelled mono had something to do with this - were they not able to drink the magic potion?

Prize giving saw us dispense far more alcohol than before, with Pina Colada's, Buck Fizz, and some horrible other tropical flavoured alcoholic beverages being drunk by all.

Cambridge made a late showing for the fancy dress prize, but to no avail - Soton are still the champions of L&S. Will anyone else join Ali, Cambridge and Soton in fancy dress at the next round?

North West
Well another rainy race night at Sheffield Ski Village. There was a good turn out from all the Universities and fantastic result from the fancy dress, all the teams were looking like they were straight from the 70s.
The skiing as always was of high standard even in the warm up period, though Vicky Clipper from Liverpool might think different as on her first run down the slope she fell and pulled the tenants in her thumb resulting in a hospital visit and time on the bench (BAR!).

The mixed racing was very exciting as the favourites, Manchester A suffered a set back in the second part of the evening which resulted in a 4th place finish, very disappointing especially when Manchester B finished in 2nd place leaving Leeds A to take the glory. Just shows you that looking good isn't always the answer! And trying to bribe Robin with one pint!! Kings officials expect no less then 20 pints!!!!!!

Leeds and Lancaster should be happy with their results and look like it could become competitive in the next few rounds, as it was very tight. As nearly always Manchester C and Salford B were eagerly fighting for the wooden spoon, resulting in a draw.

Ladies race's and snowboarding both were successful especially the snowboarding as Manchester's team had two members out due to injury but conveniently two of the skiers could snowboard so managed to take the lead and at least win something. The ladies races were very close with Leeds A winning and Lancaster coming in a close second with the rest following closely behind, all in all a great night.

Next race you all decided, with the help of Robin and Helen that the choice of fancy dress was to be sexual fantasy, so I am looking forward to seeing you all dressed to impress. See you next round.

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