In a surprise announcement
today, Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition denounced
snowboarding as a Satanist cult aimed at undermining
the moral character of America's youth.
"We know that the devil is at
work in America. And no where more so than in
the sport of snowboarding," said Clozette Case
spokesperson for the Coalition. "It's just filled
with faggots and lesbos."
"You know Pat and God get together
on Tuesday's for tea," continued Ms. Case. "And
last Tuesday God said 'Pat, you really ought to look
into this snowboarding thing. It's as insidious as
that purple fellow with the antenna.' Well,
you can imagine that we jumped right on it!"
The Coalition has started a task force to further
investigate the connection of snowboarding to the
cults of The Evil One. And, it has recruited an impressive
array of allies including the Sports Coaches of America
for Truth. "Snowboarding breaks bones and
smashes faces. And that only builds wholesome Christian
character when it's part of a team sport like football
or croquet," said Peter Humper head of SCAT.
"We're thrilled to work with SCAT in the fight
for America's future," said Ms. Case. "They
have long shown a willingness to get their hands dirty
when times call for it. And they are so active, we
expect to see SCAT everywhere."
Others are not so sure of the coalition's claims,
however. "Listen bro', you can't trust those
dudes. They're all freaks. The babes use too much
hair spray and the guys all wear polyester and stuff,"
said Billy "Bad Dude" Scott, executive director
of the American Men's Snowboarding Association.
But Humper was unfazed by his critics. "They
wear baggy clothes and who knows what they do with
their hands when they put them in those long, deep
pockets!"
Ms.Case stated that snowboarding is
only the first sport to be investigated for Satanist
tendencies. Indeed, the Coalition intends to study
all non-traditional sports. "If it's not strapping
young lads smashing into each other on the field and
slapping each others buttocks or perky girls dashing
about in short skirts, we think it's suspect."
said Case. "The Satanist homosexuals are everywhere.
And we won't stop until all American sports are as
free of them as the LPGA."
*Relax, this article is fiction -
the worrying part is that it could so easily not be!
