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2005 Kings Finals
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Naughty Pic
The 2005 Finals saw the most competitors
in our 26 year history attend the event (and who said dry slope
skiing had become less popular than Celebrity Wrestling!). Several
Teams claimed to be attending the finals for the first time, UWE?
Wrong, you came joint 27th in 1989 skiing as Bristol Polytechnic,
Aston? Even more wrong, having regularly under-achieved in the event
in the early 90’s, so the Kings Virgins award goes to Bath Uni...
unless anyone can prove otherwise.
Bristol set the pace
So as the first round progressed on the main slope the snowboarders
took to the individual course, the early pace was set by Champions
for the past 4 years Bristol university. Team masseuse Al McDonald
(34) from Stoke said “This could be our last year as champions as
we are running out of Hedley-Lewis sisters.” No such problem for
London and Southern Champions Huskis, who have 2 complete teams
of Rawlings-Browns racing. Spectator Keith Rawlings-Brown, Grandfather
of the Dynasty claimed “We might not have the money of the Hedley’s
but we are still in production.”
Trouble with bears
The snowboarder event got off to a shaky start, pre-event favourite
Ed Chung from Warwick fell from 1st to 34th after a bear chewed
through the wires leading to the timing hut. However, the timing
system was replaced by Matt Sandell counting 1 elephant, 2 elephant
etc, which suited Portsmouth boarders Chris and Simon who finished
1st and 2nd winning the days first event. Lucy Cuthew narrowly took
the birds event and was heard to say “ I would do anything for a
new board.” Was this the catalyst for the Sapient Snowboard Wet
T shirt extravaganza? (see the excellent pics
in the gallery).
What's in a name?
On the main slope round 1 casualties included Southampton 2, Surrey
2, UWE 1, Manchester 2 and 3, Loughborough 2 and Nottingham 1, who
won no races at all in the mixed. So as their bodies were scythed
from the slope by the Grim Reaper round 2 began and the Ladies took
to the individual. The ladies event, previously dominated by the
Great Western League, swung east to the London teams, with Zoe and
Nicole R-B sandwiching Lucy Newman from Natives on the podium.
A Feisty Jemina Barnes from Cardiff
when asked about her disappointing 4th place stated “ I had a touch
if indigestion after a recent spit roast”. Lois Minx-Edwards from
Loughborough added “Lucy should have been disqualified from second
place as she does not have a double barrelled name." This was
agreed with by Emma Stuart-Smith from Bristol and Laura Alexandra-Williams-Hill
From UWE.
Showing some skin
The 2nd round of the dual slalom was disrupted by the entertainment
on the balcony. Various girls from De Montford were prevented from
getting their tits out, as they were found to be impostors from
Leicester Poly (whoever stole their wretched manikin well done and
I hope you killed it!).
Lou the “Hot Girl” from Newcastle was
auctioned off before it was discovered that she was a model from
the South paid to pretend she was from up North, and so she was
confiscated by the Kings Committee for personal use. All of the
Manchester blokes stripped naked, Louise won the best arse/G sting
event and a gallon of Grolsh, Ali Hills was disqualified from the
best breast tattoo after it rubbed off, her prize going to the blond
girl with the Natives sticker on her nipples whose name was
on my sheet but got curiously obscured.
Fancy that
Southampton fancy dress was too clever for the average drunk student.
I got the Lion the Witch and the Box, and Goldilocks and the 3 Rats,
but I did not understand why Hannah was run over by a bus, unless
it was Lord of the rings.
Several round 2 races were restarted as girlie wrestling spilled
over on to the course. Surprise results included Birmingham 2 beating
Salford and Durham. Matthew Mullet put their success down to the
half time BBQ - “ we do like a bit of pork in the Midlands” he added.
Andre and Mrs Andre Midlands officials watched on with pride as
Loughborough also made the top 8.
The Men’s individual won by the Great Western League for 200 years
was under threat after the girls had lost their dominance, so the
Telling twins Marc (24) and Paul (31) combined their best times
to take the event from Cardiff’s Mike Satcher, Jon Bainbridge 3
times previous champion was disqualified after failing a sex test.
Boat racing and wet t-shirts
So before the final race-offs came the dual slalom boat races, won
by Manchester and Newcastle in a Northern dominated Event. Then
the highlight of the day (special thanks to Mark from the slope
staff for sorting the hose pipe) - the Sapient Snowboard Wet T shirt
competition, where the 10 girls most blessed by our good lord battled
in the breast possible way, in a no hold bra’d event, to win the
DD cup, and a £350 snowboard.
As the competition reached its climax
(and Huskis dad had to excuse himself to the little boys room),
Lucy (I’ll do anything for a new board) from Birmingham raised the
bar, but received stiff competition from Philli from Lancaster who
also dispensed with the T shirt. Maddie and Jess from Manchester
could not match this, the good friends embraced to console each
other... The crowd cheered and the rest is history (it just goes
to prove you can make a snowboard with a bit of tongue and groove).
The abbridged finals
In final races Birmingham beat Lancaster in the snowboard final
(the goofy boarders hampered by their erections), Kent finishing
3rd. 3rd in the girls went to Bristol, with Champions Surrey birds
nudging Southampton into 2nd .
In the main event new entry Bath made an excellent joint 5th with
Natives. Manchester were robbed by a re-run finishing 4th, Newcastle
made the top 3 for the second season, Bristol finally lost their
crown coming second, so HUSKIS from London are the new champions
- Huzzah! And a Jolly good Show!!
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