These useful tips on preparing
for a ski resort come from Afterskiing,
a Danish site. Some of them are more appropriate to
Billy than workers, but the truth is out there. Thanks
to Diane H for finding this one.
The journey
out (if travelling
by coach)
In the first exercise you will have to sit down on
an hard chair for 20 hours. Watch an old video-movie
a couple of times. Every fourth hour you must stand
up, walk half a mile and drink a cup of lukewarm coffee
by an untidy table. A little smell of diesel will
complete this exercise
The ski boots
This one is a little harder,
but it always works: You need 2 pieces of chip board
4 x 9 inc. and two small pieces 4 x 4 inc. Place one
foot on each of the long pieces of chip board and
place each of the small pieces upon each foot. Keep
it all in a good press with all the clamps you can
find. Close your eyes and feel it - it's amazing.
Breakfast
Go to the baker and buy
a roll from yesterday (or the day before). Put tinned
liver pate on one half of it and dried up cheese one
the other half.
The ski bus
Take two rough boards (length about 6 feet) and two
broomsticks. Carry it all on your shoulder and go
for a ride on the bus during the rush hour.
The lift pass
Put on your ski-jacket and fasten a piece of stiff
cardboard or plastic to the zipper. Stand in front
of a strong fan for some hours while you let the cardboard
or plastic slap and slam your face constantly. Remember
to blow your nose from time to time.
Falling down
Crush some ice-cubes (about 200 will do). Make a quick
fall to the floor, ground, deck, street or where ever,
you are doing this exercise. Throw the crushed ice
in your face, down the neck, the belly and up the
sleaves. This is skiing.
Queueing
Every time you see a queue somewhere, get into it.
Step on the other people's feet. They may step back
on yours. The effect will increase if you try quarrelling
or pushing them.
The Chair Lift
P ut on a pair of gloves. Sit down in a rocking chair
(or a rocking horse) placed on the roof. While you
are swinging next to the edge, take off the gloves
and accidentally drop one to the ground. Say "Shit".
Buying a coffee
This one is for beginners. Walk into a coffee-shop,
order a cup of coffee and pay the triple price.
The end of the
day
Put on a lot of clothes.
Try and get as clammy and sweaty as possible. Now
look at the clock. If you can undress in less than
1 minute, you can take a nice warm bath. If it takes
longer your reward is a cold shower.
Going home
Pack your suitcase with
a lot of dirty clothes and five bottles of booze.
Dress in a wornout track suit. Take the suitcase,
the two rough boards, the broomsticks, and carry it
all for about a mile, while looking for a bus or a
rep.
